I think I'm going to add Rainbow Hunter to my resume.

If you've read my previous blogs, you know I am currently employed as an Insanity Wrangler in Lawyer Jim's office. Boring people would refer to it as an Office Manager. Lately, even with the self-appointed title, I've had, shall we say, a wee bit of job dissatisfaction. It's actually been building for a long time. Mostly a "This is not what I had envisioned for my life," kind of thing.

So, I often dream about the day I escape, and go out into the world and really do what I want to do. Which is? Like many people, I still can't quite put into words what I want to do when I grow up. Actually, I can, but I haven't figured out how to make enough money doing it to pay my bills.

What I really want to do is just help. Not with any particular cause on any particular day. I just want to have supersonic hearing (or the internet will probably do) where when I hear of someone that needs a little help, I just go and help them. I would be THE HELPER. Or, I want to find a home for every child in the world. Either one works for me, and maybe they're really the same thing.

Either way, I figure I'm going to need to spruce up my resume to get people to take me seriously. I figure that there will be quite a few that will be pretty impressed with the fact that I've been an Insanity Wrangler for the past eight years or so.

After all, someone having a horrible, insane day or week would naturally think, "I just really need to hire someone temporarily to help me corral the crazy in my life right now." So, then I'll show up at their door 10 seconds later (I have supersonic speed too, but I do need to allow for traffic.) and say: "I can help you wrangle the insanity in your life. Here's my resume. As you can see I have years of previous experience." Most people will naturally, and with great relief, say, "You're hired."

I anticipate a few will be distrusting though. So, I need something on my resume to really wow them. Then I realized there's one qualification that would convince anyone that I'm the real deal. RAINBOW HUNTER! Kind of like tornado chasers, but much safer, because I'm going out AFTER the storm.

So, anyway I can go out and capture cool rainbows, double rainbows, monochrome rainbows, moonbows, etc on film. (I would list all the types of rainbows, but I was starting to feel a little Gumpish. Instead, everyone go read the Wikipedia article about them right now and get you brain fiber for the day.)

Anyway, the point is rainbows are a sign of hope for people all over the world. (Well, except the Amazon & Peru. Apparently, rainbows cause disease & miscarriage there. I'll have marketing re-work my resume for that part of the world.) Regardless of whether it's based on spirituality, desire for monetary gain, or just pure science, people always seem to get a little bit happier and nothing looks quite as bad, crazy, or impossible after you've seen some rainbows.

So, I'm thinking for the doubters, I'll say:  "Look, I have tons of experience mitigating insanity, so I'm sure I can help you. However, you seem to need a bit more to give you the confidence that if we get you going in the right direction, things will eventually turn out okay. You need hope. So, here's a rainbow I caught the other day. You can have it for free. No obligation." Of course, after someone looks at their rainbow, how can they NOT believe I can help them? More importantly, I think they'll believe they can help themselves.

So, when I make a new resume, I'm definitely adding RAINBOW HUNTER to the top of my qualifications. Maybe, I'll just start being THE HELPER now. Part-time. Anybody, in the market for a part-time insanity wrangler/rainbow hunter? Just give a shout out, and I'll be right there with my resume & references.

Just need a rainbow to brighten your day? How about two? See below. I captured this double rainbow from our local Walmart parking lot last weekend. Rainbows totally work by the way. Jim and I were both dreading the Saturday afternoon grocery shopping for the week at Walmart thing. After seeing the double rainbows, we got in and out in record time, under budget, and without any panic attacks. If that doesn't convince you of the power of rainbows, then you're probably from the Amazon or Peru and should close your mouth before looking at the picture below.

Best Calling Card Ever!

So, apparently the Jehovah's Witnesses were in our little neighborhood last week.  I'm sure most people have experienced  their particular type of proselytism in the past.  While I view religion as an individual right but not an obligation, I really hold no ill will toward them or any denomination of Christianity or any other religion that wants to try to sell me some faith, as long as they're not pushy.  I HATE pushy sales people.

Since Jim & I work about 10 to 12 hours a day, they would have to be really dedicated to actually catch us at home in order to give us the full, in-person spiel.  Of course, we weren't home this time either.  So, I'm about to unlock the door late one night, when I noticed what turned out to be their calling card/invitation to something--I forget--at the local events arena.  It was in the form of about a 4" x 7" brochure, that was folded length wise a couple of times and shoved in our door so all you could see was this:

JESUS FROM AFAR.

JESUS UP CLOSE.

Now the pics here were taken in daylight, so you'd actually be able to see everything. However, keep in mind this was late at night and pretty dark, so all I could see on the paper at the time was "JESUS".  I pulled it out of the door to see that it was actually a multiple choice question.

Multiple choice question, but maybe they should make the possible answers a little bigger next time.

I didn't notice the three possible answers below, and Jim was curious to know what it was.  As I show him the question, I blurted out, "Well, I just saw Jesus in my crack!"  He sighed and pointed out that was probably not the answer they were expecting, as he pointed to the possible answers below the question.  I told him it was too late, and that if they want me to take Jesus seriously they should try hanging him on my door next time instead of shoving him in my crack.  He walked off mumbling something about being in Hell or going to Hell.  I don't know.  I do know it was the best calling card ever and if I'm ever in the market for some new religion I will call the Jehovah's first.  They obviously have a sense of humor.

I just realized I have non-imaginary readers now.

That's readerS.  As in plural.  As in TWO.  I was totally intimidated by it all, and then I realized it was just Jim & Dr. V. Okay, that sounds bad, because neither of them are just anything.  They are both superheroes that fight bad guys everyday for the good guys--one fights karaoke pirates and the other fights heart worms, fleas & ticks.  Really, that's just their day jobs though.  They're superheroes because they are always taking the time to make me feel better when I am down and are always telling me I'm awesome, even when they're exhausted and worn down themselves.  Now I just worked myself up into intimidated again.

Anyway, I will make an effort to post more frequently now that I have more than imaginary readers.  Maybe you two can analyze me and figure out why I'm so weird.  I'm sure a lawyer and a vet can figure out what to do with me.  And, yes, I realize that a flea dip and legal institutionalization might be the best answer.

So I am unique?

So, I've been slowly filling out and updating (Read as, torturing myself trying to get it perfect.) this new blog of mine.  I finally updated a little of my profile tonight.  So, when you click to view the full profile (Don't feel obligated to do so.), you'll see that the blogger's occupation is clickable.  So, of course I click to see where it takes me.  Apparently, it's just a link to show you how many other blogger's there are with the same occupation.  I have no idea why this would be of interest to anyone.

Maybe it'd become apparent if I clicked someone who had the occupation of "writer"?  Oh, there are only exactly 226,000 bloggers with that listed as their occupation.  Big surprise.  Of course, I want to immediately read each and every one of their blogs, because I'm feeling the kindred spirit.  Does anyone know if there is an HTML tag for sarcasm?

However, interestingly enough--at least to me, I am the only blogger in the entire world with the occupation of "Insanity Wrangler".  Really?  That makes me the expert then, right?  I think Jim's going to have to add that to the company website.

"Areas of expertise:  Patent, Trademark, Copyright, Litigation & Insanity Wrangling."

Yeah, I can see it now.  That's going to bring the clients right in.

____________________________________

Update (7 PM PST):  So, every time I click the writer link above, it brings up a different number.  Always round numbers, but different.  The link has resulted in the following numbers in the last 1 1/2 hours.

169,000.  226,000.  117,000.  141,000.

I only point this out so,

1. my imaginary readers don't think I'm crazy, if they get a number different from the one in the original post.
2. to use this as evidence that a writing career is obviously highly volatile and should probably be avoided.

Insanity Wrangler, on the other hand always has one.  Me.  Now that's some excellent self-appointed job security.

Another bit of brain candy, but more like the sugar-free butterscotch your Great Aunt Stella always forces on you, because she hates it too.

WARNING:  You may need to access dictionary.com and have an open (read "warped") mind to understand this one.

So, Jim & I are semi-addicted to Words With Friends.  If you like word games, then you should try it.  If you don't, well I promise not to make fun of you because you're not as nerdy, cool as we are.

Anyway.  So, we're playing a game of Words as usual.  Now we both have some unusual words sometimes, but about half-way through I started thinking this particular game is just getting a little bit weird.  See for yourself.

So, you all see it too, right?  Suave, zeal, hamulate, abomasi?  Don't tell me you don't see it.  Well, I did and felt compelled to send Jim the following Skype to clear things up once and for all.

Me: Geez.  Let me just say this now.  No matter how suave you are and how much zeal you use to try to persuade me, there is not a djin on this earth that can persuade me to have Nazi sex with you tonight.  I don't care how many abomasi you offer either.  Oh, and if you try this with one of our lessees, our contract will be demitted and some goon will work you over so bad your hamulate penis will never fit in my canoe again.

Jim:  [NOTHING.  Because he was laughing so hard, I could hear him from all the way in his office.]

So, now you understand.  Or, maybe not.  I warned you that you would need a warped mind or a dictionary or both.  Supposedly, he wasn't trying to send me secret messages through the game like I thought, though.  Or, so he claims.

Later on the drive home.

Jim: You know my favorite part about your little rant is about the hamulated penis not fitting into your canoe.  That was great!

Me:  Thanks?

Jim:  I just want to make it clear, though, that my penis is NOT hamulated.

Me:  Your making this clear to me.  Your wife.  Okay.  Of course, it isn't hamulated.  Yet.  Obviously, the hamulating thing doesn't happen until after the goons rough you up for trying to have Nazi sex with our lessees.

Jim:  Oh, okay.  Well as long as that's clear.

So, never mind, the fact that we don't have any lessees and I'm not aware of any abomasi stored in our freezers, or being available for purchase at the grocery store.  (Maybe the local butcher would sell you some?) Oh, and we don't believe in djin, and I just accused him of trying to have Nazi sex--whatever that is--with me and a bunch of other people.  He just wants to point out the crooked penis thing is not true.

So, for those crazy people that think word games aren't fun, try making it into a sex game.  If you still think it's not fun, well then, you're probably not doing it right.

Okay, if you read all of my first post, you deseve a little bit of brain candy now. If you didn't read it, then just know you're brain may get fat reading this one.

A short text conversation between me and my best friend the rbqg, Dr. V.  Oh, and don't ask what rbqg stands for.  It's top secret.  You should know that Dr. V is a veterinarian, although I hope it would become obvious rather quickly.

Dr. V:  Favorite quote of the day: "well she's just been humping everything.  Thought that meant she was in heat for sure!"

Me:  LOL! Did you let them know their sex life versus the dog's is not exactly analogous?

Dr. V:  I don't think she would have understood those words.  She could have said "my dog got her period."

Me:  Oh, I was leaving the translation up to you, but here you go.  "Ma'am, just because you only want to hump your husband when you're egg is rolling out of the hen house, doesn't mean your dog is the same way.  It just means she likes masturbating.  Which, incidentally, is why her paws are so furry."

Dr. V: LMAO

So, there you have it.  I'm now qualified to translate veterinarian to dog owner.  "LMAO" is obviously every veterinarian's stamp of approval.  Please email me for my rates and terms.

What is mitigated insanity? If you know, please tell me.

For a while now, actually for years, my darling/annoying (depends on the day/hour/minute) husband, Jim, has been encouraging me to write down all the crazy stuff in my head.  For the most part it's been sweet words of encouragement.  Lately, it's been, "Damn it, go write a blog and make us rich so I don't have to work anymore."  Those who know Jim get how funny this statement is coming out of his mouth.  For the rest of you, "You'll understand it when you're older." In the past, I've always shot him down with an assortment of excuses.  I don't like writing, has been the big one.  When really there are two main reasons I've never voluntarily tried writing before.

One, I can be pretty obsessive-compulsive about how I do things.  I mean, in order to do something I want or need to do, I will spend hours trying to come up with a plan to get from A to Z while trying to also account for a possible L, M, N, O, and P that may or may not ever exist between the two points.  Usually, if I can't find an answer to all possible scenarios, I just give up.  Seriously, why even bother to try it, if I can already see that there's plenty of opportunities for failure?  After all, I'm not asking for a PERFECT path from A to Z.  I'm simply asking for a signed and notarized contract from my brain (with two forms of picture ID) that says if there is an L, M, N, O, or P between points A and Z that they eventually will get me to Z without any loss of life, limbs, or puppy dogs (You can have the cats, since they are currently on my shit list). Why is that so hard!?  Well, as Jim has pointed out many times I'm setting myself up for failure before I even start.   So, I'm working on changing, but it's slow.

This attempt at blogging is a good case in point.  I spent parts of two days coming up with the name of this blog.  Just the name!  Ask Jim, he had to talk me down the second night.  I really like the name now though.  Then I started obsessing about how the actual site looked, which meant looking through hundreds of blogspot templates and then all the ways I could adjust them.  Oh, and I'm not happy with how it looks, but it'll have to do until I can create something on my own--that's a whole other OC project.  At least this time, I reminded myself that I can change it later, so it doesn't have to look perfect immediately.  It's a work in progress, just like me.

So, on to actually writing.  This is where I got into the real obsessing.  What should I write my first post about?  Should I create different folders for different types of topics?  Can I even do that in blogspot?  Should I use my real name?  What about the names of other people?  Should I get their permission before talking about them (Thanks a lot Lawyer Jim for sticking the legality questions into my brain.  I thought you were trying to help?)?  I became so panicked after trying once before to write a post, when all of these questions started popping in my head that I quit.  Kind of.  I told myself I was going to quit.  But for two weeks, it has been nagging at me.  I realized once again that it doesn't have to be perfect, and I don't have to write it all at once.  So, I'm back trying again.  This time I can't seem to stop writing.  So, I guess that's progress, maybe.  Anyway, I know this is long, but bare with me...or don't, because I'll probably never know. I'm not even listening to the imaginary you that's complaining that this post is so fucking long!

All of this kind of leads into my second reason, which is FEAR!  Mainly, a fear of failing.  I don't mean failing something that I don't really care about.  After all, it's one thing to try to learn to French (Something I tried for about 1 day, okay 10 minutes) and fail. Since, when I fail I can just tell myself it doesn't really matter because I didn't really want to learn French.  It was just something to try one day when I was bored.  I was really bored!  It's another thing to write a blog, a story, a book about me that's out there for everyone to read, evaluate, analyze, criticize, ignore, Q, R, S, T.  After all, people might see the real me, and they might not like what they see.

Which leads to my other major fear.  I have a GIANT fear of disappointing people.  I'm always telling Jim I don't want to do X, because I'm afraid it will upset someone else.  He always asks me why I care so much if they're disappointed.  Recently, I've really started asking myself that too.  Why do I care?  I mean, it's one thing to care about disappointing someone because you've actually done them harm.  However, it's finally starting to seem silly to me to care if someone is disappointed because I have a different view point or belief.  After all, I may think some of their ideas are crazy too, but I still value them for other things they do.  And, if I can't find any common ground with a person, then why am I obsessing over what they think about me?  Not worth it anymore!  Or, is it? After all if I don't write things that every one can agree with, I'll lose all of the imaginary readers I have and will never be able to publish that self help book, that will be the answer to every single person's problems!  I can see now that I've already failed.  Wait, self help book?  That wasn't point Z was it?  Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about Z right now, and just focus on getting to B?

So, I've decided to mitigate some of the insanity in my head, and start saying what I think.  At least, I'm going to write what I think here.  I'll branch out to real people later.  I'm not sure what all I'll write about in the future, but there will probably be a lot more cursing involved--my close friends already know that I curse like a sailor.  All of this will probably upset some people--possibly to the point of them disassociating themselves with me.  If that's the case, then so be it.  That's one less person in my head telling me I'm going to Hell.  For the rest of you, I'm hoping my writing will be therapeutic for me, and at least amusing for you.  I just plan to write about life as I see it.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, that can be pretty warped sometimes.  So, future posts are sure to be much more amusing and probably not this long.  Of course, you don't have to read it, if you don't want to.  Except for Jim.  He has to read every word, because he's the one that talked me into this.  Thank you, I think?