Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Despite Mrs. McConkie's best efforts...

Blogging is hard, y'all! You disagree? Well, you try being me and committing to weekly (or even monthly at this point) blogging. There's a great whirlwind going on in my head all the time and getting it to slow down long enough to pull out the interesting, humorous, thought provoking bits, while keeping the rest corralled in there is a daily--and often hourly--challenge. Believe me, you do not want to encounter ALL the things that go through my mind.

My therapist had to get her own therapist to deal with it. I'm referring to my imaginary therapist that I meet with every Tuesday, Friday, and every third Thursday. Her name is Chamomile. She does not make me sleepy and I seem to give her nightmares. I mention this because the circles under her eyes are getting darker and she is looking more disheveled lately. I wonder if her own therapist has pointed out the irony.

I feel some of you judging me right now, but really, it's OKAY. I never really got into the imaginary friend thing as a kid--Ignacio never did anything but sit there, so I ditched him. So, now I'm making up for it with an imaginary therapist. Which if you think about it, is perfectly fairly somewhat logical.

Real therapists exist to provide someone to listen to you when you're too scared to talk to anyone else or everyone else is too scared to listen to you. The goal is that through talking out loud about your problems, you eventually realize how it all became a problem in the first place, how to fix the problem or accept that you can't, and maybe how to avoid it in the future. Well, my main problem is that I'm always broke. So, I can't afford a real therapist, so I just talk to my imaginary one. I'm pretty sure this is not what Chamomile had in mind when she agreed to take my case, though. Example: Problem--I can't buy a new unicorn or fix my current one, because I never have any extra money in the budget. Solution--Suck it up or get a new job that gives you a bigger budget that includes farriers, better oats, horn wax, and an on call unicorn veterinarian (because the farm vet is just out of his league). Future--Stop buying unicorns.

Anyway...I digress. The point of all of this is that whether you think I'm creative or crazy, I have a hard time putting my thoughts into written form. It seems that the award winning ideas always happen when I'm away from a typing utensil. After all, even I draw the line at bringing my laptop into the bathroom with me. I've also tried just sitting at the computer and trying to write something. As it turns out, that is the best way to lock up every interesting thought to ever cross my brain.

My sixth grade teacher, Mrs. McConkie, can attest to this. Mrs. McConkie, who was one of my most favorite teachers ever, used to insist that we keep a creative writing journal with daily entries. Sadly, Mrs. McConkie must have thought I was the most boring pupil she would ever have. Forced creative writing entries always went something like this (but in big loopy handwriting to fill the page faster):

"I wonder what I will write about today. I could write about what we had for dinner last night, but I think I wrote about that last week, and I think it was beans and cornbread that time too. I could write about my dog Pal, but all he does is eat and sleep. Maybe I'll write about my favorite book. Well, that's not really creative, because I'm just talking about something that someone else creatively wrote. I've got it. 
There once was a girl that was supposed to write something creative. However, she could never think of anything to write about when asked. So, her teacher had to read very boring stories about nothing instead, and questioned whether she should have become a teacher at all. The End."

So, in honor of Mrs. McConkie, I'm providing a list of topics that have popped in my head at an otherwise busy time, and never got around to writing about. Things that might be actually interesting for other people to read. If you want to read the full story on any of them, then leave a comment. I promise to try to write them all in the next year or so. Best not to push for any sooner, unless you want to end up feeling like Mrs. McConkie.

  1. I just gave a honey bath.
  2. Should I get Lawyer Jim to file a class action suit against...?
  3. So, I've had a cast from just below my...
  4. Did the zombie apocalypse happen already?
  5. Move it over here...no, over here.
  6. Stocking up on food rations for the end of times is easier than you think, if you are a "member" of a certain elite warehouse club.
  7. Federally mandated "Procrastination Day".
  8. Friends come in all packages, but remember to always leave a breathing hole.
  9. I'm pretty sure a pharmacy tech, an HOA president, and now the NSA think I'm a cooker/dealer.
  10. "The good news is that you'll be at your menstrual nadir," is surprisingly not what most people think of as good news.
So, after that list, anybody dare to be my new Chamomile?