I'm pretty sure Lawyer Jim is NOT going to let me forget this day for a long time.

I was anticipating today to be a pretty awesome day. After all, even though Lawyer Jim had all four wisdom teeth yanked out yesterday, he seemed to be recovering very well. So, I was anticipating being able to  go to the office for awhile to get some work done, and then going with my friend Lady Bird (more on her some other time) to the book signing for The Bloggess.

(What? Why did you just ask "What's a bloggess?" OMG, OMG, OMG! It's not a bloggess! It's THE BLOGGESS. There's only one. Stop, stop, stop! Go read here, then come back. I know it may seem like a random blog entry, but trust me, it's not. This is the place to start reading her blog. If you don't immediately think, "Wow, she is the most awesome person ever!", then you just don't get it and you never will.


You won't get me either, for that matter. I swear, The Bloggess and I are kindred spirits. I just have to figure out a way to let her know, without appearing like a total stalker. To sum it up, The Bloggess is awesome. I wish I was a tenth as awesome as her. Today was my chance to bask in her awesomeness.)

So, back to me.

Instead of the day going smoothly like I planned...God, Zeus, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or insert your own deity here, laughed so hard he pissed his pants. And, the day went like this. I unknowingly fed Jim poisoned yogurt as soon as he woke up, which made him wretch & vomit for the next SIX hours. During that time, I tried everything I could think of to be helpful and comforting. However, by the end of it we were both exhausted, and I was convinced that my breathing the same air as him was what was causing him to worship the trash can all day. So, between almost killing Jim and dealing with my ever increasing anxiety over finally getting to meet The Bloggess (or not, as it seemed at this point), I went into full melt down.

Yep. Jim can't keep anything down, including anti-nausea medication, and I'm bawling about being the worst wife ever, the worst friend ever (Lady Bird was having to make alternate plans for going to the book signing), and generally the worst human ever.

So, suddenly Jim tells me he's done vomiting, to get ready to go, and he's going to escort me to the book signing. In my defense, he really likes The Bloggess too, so he's not doing it completely for me. Okay, he so is, because he knows it's a big deal for me to meet her, even though I'm totally embarrassed at the same time that I actually idolize someone semi-famous.

That's right folks. Not only is Lawyer Jim the most awesome Pirate Karaoke Hunter ever, he's now Super Jim. Whose super power is the ability to stop vomiting at will. I hear snickering, but you'll change your mind one day when you have Norovirus, and are begging anyone within ear shot to put you out of your misery before you vomit for the 100th time.

So, we went to the book signing. Jenny was awesome! (We're not really on a first name basis, but I like to pretend we are.) I wanted to say awesome things to her, so she would realize we were kindred spirits, and she would invite me to travel with her on the rest of her tour. In actuality, I just mumbled a bunch of crap about almost killing Jim today with bad yogurt. Not surprisingly, I didn't get an immediate invite to travel with her. She's probably worried I'll try to poison her too.

We did get our books signed. And, even though, she'll probably never remember us, I know I'll never forget the day I got to meet her. I also know that Lawyer Jim will never, never let me forget either. Oh well, it's worth it...I think.

UPDATE TO: TSA's refusal to full body scan me, or otherwise feel me up, is starting to affect my self esteem.

This will make a lot more sense, if you read the original post first. Well, maybe it will. Got it? Now, read on.

Upon my return flight home a couple of weeks ago, the old TSA agent guy sent me to get my full size nudie pic taken. They made me wait on the other side for a minute. I assumed it was to give me my copy, like at the photo booths at theme parks. However, they just let me go without explanation. I suspect the old guy is keeping it for himself. So, now I feel a little special...in a creepy, only the old men want to see me kind of way. Yay me.

The old guy did NOT let Jim get his picture taken. I guess Jim's not his type. However, Jim had such a massive nest of electrical cords in his computer bag, the other guard suspected he had a bomb. So, the guy unpacked his bag and ran it through the scanner again. No one tried to grope him this time either. He looked a little exasperated. I reminded him that he had to go through 10 more times before he gets another complimentary "special massage".

Things NOT to do when a US Marshal is knocking on your front door at 6 AM.

1. DO NOT not answer. He can hear the tiny dog yapping, and then being quieted, and then yapping again the 2nd, 3rd, 4th...15th time he knocks on your door and rings the door bell. He's NOT going to go away. You ARE pissing him off.

2. DO NOT lift the paper covering the transom on your door to peep out, and STILL NOT answer.  We all just saw you and now US Marshal & Lawyer Jim are pissed off that you're wasting their time avoiding the inevitable.

3. DO NOT send your overnight guest out the side door, to see if the US Marshal & entourage have given up.  He just looks ridiculous, when he looks directly at our car down the street, starts texting "somebody" on his phone, and then pretends to go for a little morning stroll.

4. DO NOT try to sneak out in your mini van to go to work & not expect the Marshal & Lawyer Jim to do a classic police car interception to stop you & escort you on foot back to your house. Yes, we were blocking the street for several minutes. Yes, it was awesome.

5. DO NOT lie to the US Marshal & say you didn't hear him pounding on your door for 15 minutes, when he dresses you down for wasting his time. It's a ludicrous excuse--half of your neighbors clearly heard us, because I've never seen so many people walking their dogs, pushing out their trash cans, picking up their papers, etc., at 6 AM all with one eye on your house.

6. DO NOT interrupt the US Marshal to ask if you can call your work to tell them you're going to be late.  As pointed out by said US Marshal, you had the last 45 minutes when you were hiding out in your house to advise them of the possibility of your tardiness. Now you are on his time & you don't get to waste his time. (There's really no font that conveys the tone he said all of this in. Try to picture a parent dressing down their teenager for attempting to sneak into the house after curfew, but in total Drill Sargent mode.)

7. DO NOT lie to the US Marshal & Lawyer Jim about the number of counterfeit products you own that are to be seized & where they are all located. You were easily tripped up by a couple of simple questions about it, at which point you finally admit there's another set in one of your vehicles. So, now NO ONE is believing your personal sob story you told us a few minutes earlier or feeling sorry for you at all.

8. DO NOT suddenly decide that the best time to start a new honesty policy is when the US Marshal asks where your "friend" (the one that was doing counter-surveillance) is going to by replying, "I assume he's going back to his wife's house." You just forced the slightest facial reactions between US Marshal & Lawyer Jim (kind of a half eye roll/slight glance to each other of "Did she REALLY just say that?"), who magically otherwise keep a straight face.

I, of course, chose to turn around and giggle on the inside at her insanity, and hoped no one noticed my convulsing, as I tried to keep it together.

Still, I think US Marshal is now going to have to submit himself for a refresher course on "How to Keep a Straight Face in Absurd Situations". Good news! You probably will make it into the 2013 US Marshal's training manual on a new example of how to handle the absurd. That's something to be proud of...I...guess.

So, in summary, if the US Marshal knocks on your door, just open it right away & deal with it (Or, duh, stay away from your door & call in sick!). Never interrupt said Marshal. Finally, it's time to realize that if you're at the point where a US Marshal is pounding on your door with a seizure order, honesty is probably the best policy. Unless you're talking about your overnight guest. Then vagueness is appreciated.

It's a conspiracy...or, a bunch of excuses...for not posting new posts.

So, there should be at least two new posts on here from the last week. However, Blogger, my tablet, and what I can only describe as, a sphere of concentrated gravity holding me down keep messing it up.  So, now I'm blogging about blogging.  Thanks a lot universe!

Anyway, the point is, if I can get all technology to work correctly AND get to where I don't feel like I've been knocked over and sat on by a giant ball of BLAH, then there will be several posts popping up at once. I would say more, but I fear Blogger will eat this post too.  That is all.

Politically incorrect pillows. No, no, no! Not what you're thinking.

Scene: Jim and I just arrived to our room for the night at our favorite hotel in our current undisclosed location.

Me: "I just remembered the one thing I don't like about this hotel.  The miniature pillows.  We technically have 4 pillows.  In reality, we really have 1 1/2. "

Jim: "I'm sure if you call the front desk and ask nicely, they will bring us some more pillows, so you can build your nest."

Sidebar: I have a tendency to use 4-5 regular & king size pillows to create this heavenly nest that I sleep in.  Jim complains about how crazy it is.  All four pets will back me up on how awesome it is, because they are always trying to sneak into it to take a nap.

Resume dialogue:

Me: "Okay, I'll give it a try."

Jim: "Ask for one for me too."

Me: Rolling my eyes as I pick up the phone, because I know Jim would have suffered silently with his two miniature pillows, if I wasn't here to ask.

Front Desk: "Good evening. This is Generic Front Desk woman. How can I help you?"

Me:  "Yes, I was wondering if we could have a couple more of those midget pillows like you have in all the rooms?"

Front Desk: "Oh, sure no problem. I'll notify housekeeping."

Me: "Thanks so much!"

Jim: "Did you just use the words 'midget pillows'?"

Me: "Yes, and the woman didn't react at all. Obviously, they get a lot of requests for additional midget pillows, because their pillows are so midgetized in the first place."

Jim: "I can't believe you are so politically insensitive.  The proper term is either dwarf or little person pillow."

Me: "Well, that would be correct, IF the pillows were actually for dwarfs or little people."

Jim: (Sigh) "I hate to say it, but you may be right."

In conclusion, the house keeping lady has to be a kindred spirit, because she actually brought me THREE midget pillows. I think she must have sensed my nesting needs. So, now I have five pillows to make a midget nest. Or, four if I share one with Jim. God, I love this hotel!

TSA's refusal to full body scan me, or otherwise feel me up, is starting to affect my self esteem.

So, this is my second time this year to fly out with Lawyer Jim, to undisclosed locations, to do some karaoke pirate hunting--don't ask. It's a nice change, since he's gone two to three weeks a month, to be able to travel with him sometimes. Even if it is a work trip, since this is as close to a vacation as we're going to get in probably the next three to twenty years. Woohoo!

This year is also my first time to fly since they instituted the full body scan--basically TSA justifying their massive compilation of nudie pics. OR, optional FULL body massage--apparently it's not as relaxing or pleasurable as it sounds though.

So, I naturally assumed they would want to add me to their collection. After all, I AM sexy & I know it. I work out (once or twice a month). AND, I have trouble sitting still for very long--wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...well you get the picture.

Instead, this is the third time I've gone through security, only to have some random TSA agent barely glance at me & tell me to go through the old style metal detector.  Meanwhile, it's Jim's 23rd time (I lose count) to go through security. I assume he has been flagged as stud material, because they insist on sending him through the porn scanner every time!

Last time, when he was returning home, Jim even had some male agent start sticking his hands down his pants (without asking), insisting he needed to search for contraband. Jim was--I guess understandably--SEVERELY annoyed! I thought he should have been pleased that they were throwing in the special massage for free. You know, get 12 body scans & get a bonus groping.

Eventually the guy gave up and let him go through. Jim immediately spoke to the manager on duty. Apparently, it was all just a big misunderstanding  about whether penises are still allowed to be carried on or have to be secured in your checked luggage.

Anyway, all of this begs the question...What's wrong with me?!?! Well...besides not having a penis? Three times now I've gone through security, and each time...No pics taken...No inappropriate groping...Not even a look that lasts just a little too long.

I don't get it! After all, I've always thought of myself as a strong, independent, sexy, and more than a little crazy woman. You would think one of those qualities would warrant "further inspection".

Apparently, it's all in my head though, since I can't get anyone in security to make up a bogus reason to justify adding me to their porn collection, much less make eye contact. Then again, maybe my Insanity Wrangler abilities are more powerful than I thought, and they dare not look at me for fear they suddenly come up with logical security measures? Yep, that must be it.

P.S. We're thinking of getting t-shirts made up for all our karaoke pirate hunters that says on the front: "OFFICIAL KARAOKE PIRATE HUNTER" & on the back: "WE'RE TAKING OUR BOOTY BACK!" Catchy right?

All marketing people should be fired. Except for hair gel marketers. I'll give them one more chance.

Once again, I question why corporations hire the people they do for marketing. This time it happened while I was dutifully brushing my teeth & swishing mouthwash. After all I have to brush my teeth for TWO minutes & then swish for at least THIRTY seconds. While these are worthwhile uses of my time...I guess...I always get bored.

This morning I happen to notice that my Crest toothpaste flavor is not just cinnamon, but "Clean Cinnamon". This caused me immediate & great concern, because I worried that I had used the "Dirty Cinnamon" flavor in the past. I started contemplating a lawsuit that lawyer Jim could file on my behalf against Crest for causing me cavities in the past, when they sold me the "GERMY CINNAMON" toothpaste.

Then I took a breath & realized that this was just marketing trying to justify their paychecks. Crest Marketing apparently thought this would make me feel more confident that my teeth would be clean when I brushed with this particular product. So, basically I'm not smart enough to realize if my teeth are clean or not, unless they print it on the tube. Well, maybe their test panelists aren't smart enough to know that otherwise.

"Please select the adjective"--because they don't want you making useful suggestions--"that best describes how Crest cinnamon flavored toothpaste makes your mouth feel after using it:"

A.  Fresh
B.  Tasty
C.  Clean
D.  Dirty Whore

We all know your best bet is to pick C on a multiple choice test.  Plus, how many people besides me would pick D? Most people would have quit reading by then. Or, they don't want to be overly critical, so they pick the most neutral one, when they're really thinking: "My mouth is kind of gritty, but it does appear to be clean."  That's obviously how you get the flavor "Clean Cinnamon".

Okay, so all of that used up about 45 seconds of my brushing time. So I started looking at the other toiletries on our sink & such and ended up making a list, because I've got a minute forty-five left.  If you're in marketing, please take notes.

1. Act mouthwash - Tropical Breeze - Not sure what a tropical breeze is supposed to taste like, because I haven't noticed Jim's breath tasting tropical or feeling extra breezy when I'm tonguing him.
2. Listerine mouthwash - Fresh Mint - When I was making my list on my tablet, auto correct first interpreted "Fresh" as "Death". I think it may know what it's talking about, because my mouth feels like it's being killed when I use it. It does have a hint of mint as it's doing it though.
3. Colgate toothpaste - Gentle Mint - This is a toothpaste for super sensitive teeth. So, of course they had to let you know the mint would be gentle too. After all, this mint is NOT into the rough stuff.
4. Softsoap hand soap - Milk & Honey - This just makes me hungry for a glass of milk & a peanut butter & honey sandwich. It also explains why our dog Gabby licks our hands every chance she gets.
5. Febreeze air freshener - Linen & Sky - I think marketing fell asleep halfway through naming this. I know what Linen smells like (I am assuming they meant "Clean Linen" scent); however, I have no idea what their idea of the "Sky" smells like. Plus, I'm thinking this probably doesn't sell well to areas that live near chicken farms, sewage plants, etc. where their "sky" might not be the optimal marketing smell.
6. Degree deodorant - Orange Flower & Cranberry  - I really like the scent of this, but once again, why are you naming something that is supposed to be scented after foods? Plus, I can't stop Jim from licking my armpits, which kind of defeats the purpose of the deodorant in the first place.
7. Bath & Body Works hotel soaps (Yes, I stole them. Don't act like you don't do the same.) - Coconut Lime Verbena - See commentary from number 6.
8. Crew hair gel - Nothing - Because it doesn't have a scent. Woohoo for your marketing department!  
9. got2b hair gel - Nothing - See number 8.

Warning for marketing people for 8 & 9.  I'm sure there's a least one marketing guy in each of your departments reading this who is now staying up late writing a proposal to add Citrus Cinnamon Honey Winds scent to their gels. NOTE TO SAID MARKETING GUY:  You're an idiot, if you think this is a good idea and should probably apply for a marketing position at any of the companies for products 1 - 7 above.

Now for the rest of you gel marketers, quit using light, firm, extra-firm, and throttle for hair control descriptions. Those are clearly descriptors for stroking or choking certain things. How about we stick to the number system? All gels should have a number between 1 and 5, with 1 being "you're wasting your money buying this" and 5 being "you will need paint thinner to get this out of your hair."