Wednesday, April 4, 2012

All marketing people should be fired. Except for hair gel marketers. I'll give them one more chance.

Once again, I question why corporations hire the people they do for marketing. This time it happened while I was dutifully brushing my teeth & swishing mouthwash. After all I have to brush my teeth for TWO minutes & then swish for at least THIRTY seconds. While these are worthwhile uses of my time...I guess...I always get bored.

This morning I happen to notice that my Crest toothpaste flavor is not just cinnamon, but "Clean Cinnamon". This caused me immediate & great concern, because I worried that I had used the "Dirty Cinnamon" flavor in the past. I started contemplating a lawsuit that lawyer Jim could file on my behalf against Crest for causing me cavities in the past, when they sold me the "GERMY CINNAMON" toothpaste.

Then I took a breath & realized that this was just marketing trying to justify their paychecks. Crest Marketing apparently thought this would make me feel more confident that my teeth would be clean when I brushed with this particular product. So, basically I'm not smart enough to realize if my teeth are clean or not, unless they print it on the tube. Well, maybe their test panelists aren't smart enough to know that otherwise.

"Please select the adjective"--because they don't want you making useful suggestions--"that best describes how Crest cinnamon flavored toothpaste makes your mouth feel after using it:"

A.  Fresh
B.  Tasty
C.  Clean
D.  Dirty Whore

We all know your best bet is to pick C on a multiple choice test.  Plus, how many people besides me would pick D? Most people would have quit reading by then. Or, they don't want to be overly critical, so they pick the most neutral one, when they're really thinking: "My mouth is kind of gritty, but it does appear to be clean."  That's obviously how you get the flavor "Clean Cinnamon".

Okay, so all of that used up about 45 seconds of my brushing time. So I started looking at the other toiletries on our sink & such and ended up making a list, because I've got a minute forty-five left.  If you're in marketing, please take notes.

  1. Act mouthwash - Tropical Breeze - Not sure what a tropical breeze is supposed to taste like, because I haven't noticed Jim's breath tasting tropical or feeling extra breezy when I'm tonguing him.
  2. Listerine mouthwash - Fresh Mint - When I was making my list on my tablet, auto correct first interpreted "Fresh" as "Death". I think it may know what it's talking about, because my mouth feels like it's being killed when I use it. It does have a hint of mint as it's doing it though.
  3. Colgate toothpaste - Gentle Mint - This is a toothpaste for super sensitive teeth. So, of course they had to let you know the mint would be gentle too. After all, this mint is NOT into the rough stuff.
  4. Softsoap hand soap - Milk & Honey - This just makes me hungry for a glass of milk & a peanut butter & honey sandwich. It also explains why our dog Gabby licks our hands every chance she gets.
  5. Febreeze air freshener - Linen & Sky - I think marketing fell asleep halfway through naming this. I know what Linen smells like (I am assuming they meant "Clean Linen" scent); however, I have no idea what their idea of the "Sky" smells like. Plus, I'm thinking this probably doesn't sell well to areas that live near chicken farms, sewage plants, etc. where their "sky" might not be the optimal marketing smell.
  6. Degree deodorant - Orange Flower & Cranberry  - I really like the scent of this, but once again, why are you naming something that is supposed to be scented after foods? Plus, I can't stop Jim from licking my armpits, which kind of defeats the purpose of the deodorant in the first place.
  7. Bath & Body Works hotel soaps (Yes, I stole them. Don't act like you don't do the same.) - Coconut Lime Verbena - See commentary from number 6.
  8. Crew hair gel - Nothing - Because it doesn't have a scent. Woohoo for your marketing department!  
  9. got2b hair gel - Nothing - See number 8.
Warning for marketing people for 8 & 9.  I'm sure there's a least one marketing guy in each of your departments reading this who is now staying up late writing a proposal to add Citrus Cinnamon Honey Winds scent to their gels. NOTE TO SAID MARKETING GUY:  You're an idiot, if you think this is a good idea and should probably apply for a marketing position at any of the companies for products 1 - 7 above.

Now for the rest of you gel marketers, quit using light, firm, extra-firm, and throttle for hair control descriptions. Those are clearly descriptors for stroking or choking certain things. How about we stick to the number system? All gels should have a number between 1 and 5, with 1 being "you're wasting your money buying this" and 5 being "you will need paint thinner to get this out of your hair."

1 comment:

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