Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Things NOT to do when a US Marshal is knocking on your front door at 6 AM.

1. DO NOT not answer. He can hear the tiny dog yapping, and then being quieted, and then yapping again the 2nd, 3rd, 4th...15th time he knocks on your door and rings the door bell. He's NOT going to go away. You ARE pissing him off.

2. DO NOT lift the paper covering the transom on your door to peep out, and STILL NOT answer.  We all just saw you and now US Marshal & Lawyer Jim are pissed off that you're wasting their time avoiding the inevitable.

3. DO NOT send your overnight guest out the side door, to see if the US Marshal & entourage have given up.  He just looks ridiculous, when he looks directly at our car down the street, starts texting "somebody" on his phone, and then pretends to go for a little morning stroll.

4. DO NOT try to sneak out in your mini van to go to work & not expect the Marshal & Lawyer Jim to do a classic police car interception to stop you & escort you on foot back to your house. Yes, we were blocking the street for several minutes. Yes, it was awesome.

5. DO NOT lie to the US Marshal & say you didn't hear him pounding on your door for 15 minutes, when he dresses you down for wasting his time. It's a ludicrous excuse--half of your neighbors clearly heard us, because I've never seen so many people walking their dogs, pushing out their trash cans, picking up their papers, etc., at 6 AM all with one eye on your house.

6. DO NOT interrupt the US Marshal to ask if you can call your work to tell them you're going to be late.  As pointed out by said US Marshal, you had the last 45 minutes when you were hiding out in your house to advise them of the possibility of your tardiness. Now you are on his time & you don't get to waste his time. (There's really no font that conveys the tone he said all of this in. Try to picture a parent dressing down their teenager for attempting to sneak into the house after curfew, but in total Drill Sargent mode.)

7. DO NOT lie to the US Marshal & Lawyer Jim about the number of counterfeit products you own that are to be seized & where they are all located. You were easily tripped up by a couple of simple questions about it, at which point you finally admit there's another set in one of your vehicles. So, now NO ONE is believing your personal sob story you told us a few minutes earlier or feeling sorry for you at all.

8. DO NOT suddenly decide that the best time to start a new honesty policy is when the US Marshal asks where your "friend" (the one that was doing counter-surveillance) is going to by replying, "I assume he's going back to his wife's house." You just forced the slightest facial reactions between US Marshal & Lawyer Jim (kind of a half eye roll/slight glance to each other of "Did she REALLY just say that?"), who magically otherwise keep a straight face.

I, of course, chose to turn around and giggle on the inside at her insanity, and hoped no one noticed my convulsing, as I tried to keep it together.

Still, I think US Marshal is now going to have to submit himself for a refresher course on "How to Keep a Straight Face in Absurd Situations". Good news! You probably will make it into the 2013 US Marshal's training manual on a new example of how to handle the absurd. That's something to be proud of...I...guess.

So, in summary, if the US Marshal knocks on your door, just open it right away & deal with it (Or, duh, stay away from your door & call in sick!). Never interrupt said Marshal. Finally, it's time to realize that if you're at the point where a US Marshal is pounding on your door with a seizure order, honesty is probably the best policy. Unless you're talking about your overnight guest. Then vagueness is appreciated.

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