Friday, February 1, 2013

The tragic tale of the magical card that almost died, but was saved, only to realize it wasn't so special after all.

The story you are about to read is true. Especially the magical parts. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because that would just turn it into gossip. Some details have been omitted by He/She Who Must Not Be Named, because I don't want you nut jobs knowing where someone used to live. We're all about privacy here. Mostly. Frankly, if you can fill in the details from what's revealed here, then you obviously have super powers and would have gotten it out of me eventually anyway. This is my story. Dunh, dunh! (Also know as the doink doink or the chung chung.) 

So, this card was delivered to our house in January. It was postmarked 12/27/12 from MD and addressed to Ms. Linda [CLASSIFIED]. I was pretty sure it was a better late than never Holiday card. We're used to getting previous tenants' mail, so I was just going to return it to the post office on my next trip. However, I noticed that the house number on it was not ours. So, being in a giving spirit and wanting to support my fellow procrastinator, I decided to just hand deliver it to the correct address. 

I went driving down my street, and it turns out there is no such street number. So, I took it by the local post office and explained that:

A) This was delivered to my house, but I'm not Ms. Linda. Ms. Linda does not live at our house, but admitted that I hadn't checked the Harry Potter closet lately for squatters.
B) It was supposed to be delivered to 2204.
C) I checked our neighborhood and there is no 2204. I admitted that I had not tried to reach in between 2202 & 2206 to see if there was a magical mailbox slot for 2204.
D) There is a Methodist church where 2204 should be & perhaps the 2204 #2 is to indicate Linda's aisle and seat in the church.

The kind postman, who's used to dealing with crazy, rich ladies (I'm obviously not any of those, but he hasn't seen my certifications proving otherwise.), smiled and said he would take care of it. I immediately forgot about it.

Fast forward. No, too far. Back up about four days. Okay. Now hit play.

Among our Tuesday sale ads, there was a card in the mail. As usual, addressed to not anyone who currently lives here. I throw it in the stack to drop off at the post office the next time I go. The next day, when I'm gathering the stack to take to the post office, I look at the envelope a little more carefully.

Postmarked MD, on 12/27/12, addressed to Ms. Linda. Mr. Postman obviously changed the second 2 to a 0 and redelivered it. Poor Ms. Linda still didn't have her card! I was prepared to take it back to the post office again, and explain that Linda still hadn't moved to my house, so it could at least be returned to the sender. Then I noticed that there was no return address anywhere on the envelope. Therefore, if I took it back to the post office, it would just end up in the dead letter file. Which we all know is like a paupers grave site for undeliverable mail. Poor Ms. Linda would never know her forgetful friend tried to contact her via a slow & tree killing form of message.

I couldn't let the card die! After all, a thoughful note from a friend can make a world of difference in someone's otherwise dreary life. Plus, there might be money or gift cards in there for Poor Ms. Linda--which could really lift Poor Ms. Linda's spirits too. While I was debating what to do...magically, the envelope fell out of my hand, opened, and the card inside fell out of the envelope, then rested open on the counter! It's Kismet! There wasn't anything of monetary value in it (I felt it my duty to check), but inside was this message:

Obviously, Madalene put a lot of time and thought into this note to Poor Linda.

Poor Linda! The message was too late. Not only did Madalene mail this TWO full days after the celebration of Christmas****, but over a month later, due to Madalene's substandard addressing skills, Poor Linda still had not gotten the message. Without this message, Poor Linda has surely forgotten Jesus by now. Plus, Poor Linda probably has forgotten her friend Madalene too, because Madalene doesn't call, she doesn't write, she doesn't send smoke signals.

****In Madalene's defense, on the back of the card she was sending National Geographic told her "That for a long time, the celebration of Jesus' birth was observed along with the celebration of his baptism, on January 6." I'm sure Madalene thought she was still in the grace period, when she mailed it on December 27th. After all, who knows more about Jesus and Christmas than National Geographic?****

Now, Madalene probably thinks her friend Poor Linda doesn't like her anymore, because she was wrong about the grace period thing and so Linda completely forgot about the birthday party for Jesus! Additionally, Poor Jesus is sad because Ms. Linda ditched his birthday party. Probably to go eat Chinese food and see a movie.

It's a sad story all around.

Maybe something good can come of it, though.

One, if you know, Linda & Madalene, tell them to pick up a phone, email, tweet, or instant message each other every once in a while, so they know where to send the invites.

Two, don't waste time killing trees to send your "friends" pointed reminders about what you think their religious views should be, if you can't be bothered to keep up with their address or put your own return address on the card.

P.S. If you insist on sending mail to a person's address that you are 99% certain is no longer correct just to alieve your own guilt trip, it's only polite to slip at least a twenty in there as a Christmas bonus for processing & handling.

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