It's a conspiracy...or, a bunch of excuses...for not posting new posts.

So, there should be at least two new posts on here from the last week. However, Blogger, my tablet, and what I can only describe as, a sphere of concentrated gravity holding me down keep messing it up.  So, now I'm blogging about blogging.  Thanks a lot universe!

Anyway, the point is, if I can get all technology to work correctly AND get to where I don't feel like I've been knocked over and sat on by a giant ball of BLAH, then there will be several posts popping up at once. I would say more, but I fear Blogger will eat this post too.  That is all.

Politically incorrect pillows. No, no, no! Not what you're thinking.

Scene: Jim and I just arrived to our room for the night at our favorite hotel in our current undisclosed location.

Me: "I just remembered the one thing I don't like about this hotel.  The miniature pillows.  We technically have 4 pillows.  In reality, we really have 1 1/2. "

Jim: "I'm sure if you call the front desk and ask nicely, they will bring us some more pillows, so you can build your nest."

Sidebar: I have a tendency to use 4-5 regular & king size pillows to create this heavenly nest that I sleep in.  Jim complains about how crazy it is.  All four pets will back me up on how awesome it is, because they are always trying to sneak into it to take a nap.

Resume dialogue:

Me: "Okay, I'll give it a try."

Jim: "Ask for one for me too."

Me: Rolling my eyes as I pick up the phone, because I know Jim would have suffered silently with his two miniature pillows, if I wasn't here to ask.

Front Desk: "Good evening. This is Generic Front Desk woman. How can I help you?"

Me:  "Yes, I was wondering if we could have a couple more of those midget pillows like you have in all the rooms?"

Front Desk: "Oh, sure no problem. I'll notify housekeeping."

Me: "Thanks so much!"

Jim: "Did you just use the words 'midget pillows'?"

Me: "Yes, and the woman didn't react at all. Obviously, they get a lot of requests for additional midget pillows, because their pillows are so midgetized in the first place."

Jim: "I can't believe you are so politically insensitive.  The proper term is either dwarf or little person pillow."

Me: "Well, that would be correct, IF the pillows were actually for dwarfs or little people."

Jim: (Sigh) "I hate to say it, but you may be right."

In conclusion, the house keeping lady has to be a kindred spirit, because she actually brought me THREE midget pillows. I think she must have sensed my nesting needs. So, now I have five pillows to make a midget nest. Or, four if I share one with Jim. God, I love this hotel!

TSA's refusal to full body scan me, or otherwise feel me up, is starting to affect my self esteem.

So, this is my second time this year to fly out with Lawyer Jim, to undisclosed locations, to do some karaoke pirate hunting--don't ask. It's a nice change, since he's gone two to three weeks a month, to be able to travel with him sometimes. Even if it is a work trip, since this is as close to a vacation as we're going to get in probably the next three to twenty years. Woohoo!

This year is also my first time to fly since they instituted the full body scan--basically TSA justifying their massive compilation of nudie pics. OR, optional FULL body massage--apparently it's not as relaxing or pleasurable as it sounds though.

So, I naturally assumed they would want to add me to their collection. After all, I AM sexy & I know it. I work out (once or twice a month). AND, I have trouble sitting still for very long--wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...well you get the picture.

Instead, this is the third time I've gone through security, only to have some random TSA agent barely glance at me & tell me to go through the old style metal detector.  Meanwhile, it's Jim's 23rd time (I lose count) to go through security. I assume he has been flagged as stud material, because they insist on sending him through the porn scanner every time!

Last time, when he was returning home, Jim even had some male agent start sticking his hands down his pants (without asking), insisting he needed to search for contraband. Jim was--I guess understandably--SEVERELY annoyed! I thought he should have been pleased that they were throwing in the special massage for free. You know, get 12 body scans & get a bonus groping.

Eventually the guy gave up and let him go through. Jim immediately spoke to the manager on duty. Apparently, it was all just a big misunderstanding  about whether penises are still allowed to be carried on or have to be secured in your checked luggage.

Anyway, all of this begs the question...What's wrong with me?!?! Well...besides not having a penis? Three times now I've gone through security, and each time...No pics taken...No inappropriate groping...Not even a look that lasts just a little too long.

I don't get it! After all, I've always thought of myself as a strong, independent, sexy, and more than a little crazy woman. You would think one of those qualities would warrant "further inspection".

Apparently, it's all in my head though, since I can't get anyone in security to make up a bogus reason to justify adding me to their porn collection, much less make eye contact. Then again, maybe my Insanity Wrangler abilities are more powerful than I thought, and they dare not look at me for fear they suddenly come up with logical security measures? Yep, that must be it.

P.S. We're thinking of getting t-shirts made up for all our karaoke pirate hunters that says on the front: "OFFICIAL KARAOKE PIRATE HUNTER" & on the back: "WE'RE TAKING OUR BOOTY BACK!" Catchy right?

All marketing people should be fired. Except for hair gel marketers. I'll give them one more chance.

Once again, I question why corporations hire the people they do for marketing. This time it happened while I was dutifully brushing my teeth & swishing mouthwash. After all I have to brush my teeth for TWO minutes & then swish for at least THIRTY seconds. While these are worthwhile uses of my time...I guess...I always get bored.

This morning I happen to notice that my Crest toothpaste flavor is not just cinnamon, but "Clean Cinnamon". This caused me immediate & great concern, because I worried that I had used the "Dirty Cinnamon" flavor in the past. I started contemplating a lawsuit that lawyer Jim could file on my behalf against Crest for causing me cavities in the past, when they sold me the "GERMY CINNAMON" toothpaste.

Then I took a breath & realized that this was just marketing trying to justify their paychecks. Crest Marketing apparently thought this would make me feel more confident that my teeth would be clean when I brushed with this particular product. So, basically I'm not smart enough to realize if my teeth are clean or not, unless they print it on the tube. Well, maybe their test panelists aren't smart enough to know that otherwise.

"Please select the adjective"--because they don't want you making useful suggestions--"that best describes how Crest cinnamon flavored toothpaste makes your mouth feel after using it:"

A.  Fresh
B.  Tasty
C.  Clean
D.  Dirty Whore

We all know your best bet is to pick C on a multiple choice test.  Plus, how many people besides me would pick D? Most people would have quit reading by then. Or, they don't want to be overly critical, so they pick the most neutral one, when they're really thinking: "My mouth is kind of gritty, but it does appear to be clean."  That's obviously how you get the flavor "Clean Cinnamon".

Okay, so all of that used up about 45 seconds of my brushing time. So I started looking at the other toiletries on our sink & such and ended up making a list, because I've got a minute forty-five left.  If you're in marketing, please take notes.

1. Act mouthwash - Tropical Breeze - Not sure what a tropical breeze is supposed to taste like, because I haven't noticed Jim's breath tasting tropical or feeling extra breezy when I'm tonguing him.
2. Listerine mouthwash - Fresh Mint - When I was making my list on my tablet, auto correct first interpreted "Fresh" as "Death". I think it may know what it's talking about, because my mouth feels like it's being killed when I use it. It does have a hint of mint as it's doing it though.
3. Colgate toothpaste - Gentle Mint - This is a toothpaste for super sensitive teeth. So, of course they had to let you know the mint would be gentle too. After all, this mint is NOT into the rough stuff.
4. Softsoap hand soap - Milk & Honey - This just makes me hungry for a glass of milk & a peanut butter & honey sandwich. It also explains why our dog Gabby licks our hands every chance she gets.
5. Febreeze air freshener - Linen & Sky - I think marketing fell asleep halfway through naming this. I know what Linen smells like (I am assuming they meant "Clean Linen" scent); however, I have no idea what their idea of the "Sky" smells like. Plus, I'm thinking this probably doesn't sell well to areas that live near chicken farms, sewage plants, etc. where their "sky" might not be the optimal marketing smell.
6. Degree deodorant - Orange Flower & Cranberry  - I really like the scent of this, but once again, why are you naming something that is supposed to be scented after foods? Plus, I can't stop Jim from licking my armpits, which kind of defeats the purpose of the deodorant in the first place.
7. Bath & Body Works hotel soaps (Yes, I stole them. Don't act like you don't do the same.) - Coconut Lime Verbena - See commentary from number 6.
8. Crew hair gel - Nothing - Because it doesn't have a scent. Woohoo for your marketing department!  
9. got2b hair gel - Nothing - See number 8.

Warning for marketing people for 8 & 9.  I'm sure there's a least one marketing guy in each of your departments reading this who is now staying up late writing a proposal to add Citrus Cinnamon Honey Winds scent to their gels. NOTE TO SAID MARKETING GUY:  You're an idiot, if you think this is a good idea and should probably apply for a marketing position at any of the companies for products 1 - 7 above.

Now for the rest of you gel marketers, quit using light, firm, extra-firm, and throttle for hair control descriptions. Those are clearly descriptors for stroking or choking certain things. How about we stick to the number system? All gels should have a number between 1 and 5, with 1 being "you're wasting your money buying this" and 5 being "you will need paint thinner to get this out of your hair."

I think I'm going to add Rainbow Hunter to my resume.

If you've read my previous blogs, you know I am currently employed as an Insanity Wrangler in Lawyer Jim's office. Boring people would refer to it as an Office Manager. Lately, even with the self-appointed title, I've had, shall we say, a wee bit of job dissatisfaction. It's actually been building for a long time. Mostly a "This is not what I had envisioned for my life," kind of thing.

So, I often dream about the day I escape, and go out into the world and really do what I want to do. Which is? Like many people, I still can't quite put into words what I want to do when I grow up. Actually, I can, but I haven't figured out how to make enough money doing it to pay my bills.

What I really want to do is just help. Not with any particular cause on any particular day. I just want to have supersonic hearing (or the internet will probably do) where when I hear of someone that needs a little help, I just go and help them. I would be THE HELPER. Or, I want to find a home for every child in the world. Either one works for me, and maybe they're really the same thing.

Either way, I figure I'm going to need to spruce up my resume to get people to take me seriously. I figure that there will be quite a few that will be pretty impressed with the fact that I've been an Insanity Wrangler for the past eight years or so.

After all, someone having a horrible, insane day or week would naturally think, "I just really need to hire someone temporarily to help me corral the crazy in my life right now." So, then I'll show up at their door 10 seconds later (I have supersonic speed too, but I do need to allow for traffic.) and say: "I can help you wrangle the insanity in your life. Here's my resume. As you can see I have years of previous experience." Most people will naturally, and with great relief, say, "You're hired."

I anticipate a few will be distrusting though. So, I need something on my resume to really wow them. Then I realized there's one qualification that would convince anyone that I'm the real deal. RAINBOW HUNTER! Kind of like tornado chasers, but much safer, because I'm going out AFTER the storm.

So, anyway I can go out and capture cool rainbows, double rainbows, monochrome rainbows, moonbows, etc on film. (I would list all the types of rainbows, but I was starting to feel a little Gumpish. Instead, everyone go read the Wikipedia article about them right now and get you brain fiber for the day.)

Anyway, the point is rainbows are a sign of hope for people all over the world. (Well, except the Amazon & Peru. Apparently, rainbows cause disease & miscarriage there. I'll have marketing re-work my resume for that part of the world.) Regardless of whether it's based on spirituality, desire for monetary gain, or just pure science, people always seem to get a little bit happier and nothing looks quite as bad, crazy, or impossible after you've seen some rainbows.

So, I'm thinking for the doubters, I'll say:  "Look, I have tons of experience mitigating insanity, so I'm sure I can help you. However, you seem to need a bit more to give you the confidence that if we get you going in the right direction, things will eventually turn out okay. You need hope. So, here's a rainbow I caught the other day. You can have it for free. No obligation." Of course, after someone looks at their rainbow, how can they NOT believe I can help them? More importantly, I think they'll believe they can help themselves.

So, when I make a new resume, I'm definitely adding RAINBOW HUNTER to the top of my qualifications. Maybe, I'll just start being THE HELPER now. Part-time. Anybody, in the market for a part-time insanity wrangler/rainbow hunter? Just give a shout out, and I'll be right there with my resume & references.

Just need a rainbow to brighten your day? How about two? See below. I captured this double rainbow from our local Walmart parking lot last weekend. Rainbows totally work by the way. Jim and I were both dreading the Saturday afternoon grocery shopping for the week at Walmart thing. After seeing the double rainbows, we got in and out in record time, under budget, and without any panic attacks. If that doesn't convince you of the power of rainbows, then you're probably from the Amazon or Peru and should close your mouth before looking at the picture below.

Best Calling Card Ever!

So, apparently the Jehovah's Witnesses were in our little neighborhood last week.  I'm sure most people have experienced  their particular type of proselytism in the past.  While I view religion as an individual right but not an obligation, I really hold no ill will toward them or any denomination of Christianity or any other religion that wants to try to sell me some faith, as long as they're not pushy.  I HATE pushy sales people.

Since Jim & I work about 10 to 12 hours a day, they would have to be really dedicated to actually catch us at home in order to give us the full, in-person spiel.  Of course, we weren't home this time either.  So, I'm about to unlock the door late one night, when I noticed what turned out to be their calling card/invitation to something--I forget--at the local events arena.  It was in the form of about a 4" x 7" brochure, that was folded length wise a couple of times and shoved in our door so all you could see was this:

JESUS FROM AFAR.

JESUS UP CLOSE.

Now the pics here were taken in daylight, so you'd actually be able to see everything. However, keep in mind this was late at night and pretty dark, so all I could see on the paper at the time was "JESUS".  I pulled it out of the door to see that it was actually a multiple choice question.

Multiple choice question, but maybe they should make the possible answers a little bigger next time.

I didn't notice the three possible answers below, and Jim was curious to know what it was.  As I show him the question, I blurted out, "Well, I just saw Jesus in my crack!"  He sighed and pointed out that was probably not the answer they were expecting, as he pointed to the possible answers below the question.  I told him it was too late, and that if they want me to take Jesus seriously they should try hanging him on my door next time instead of shoving him in my crack.  He walked off mumbling something about being in Hell or going to Hell.  I don't know.  I do know it was the best calling card ever and if I'm ever in the market for some new religion I will call the Jehovah's first.  They obviously have a sense of humor.

I just realized I have non-imaginary readers now.

That's readerS.  As in plural.  As in TWO.  I was totally intimidated by it all, and then I realized it was just Jim & Dr. V. Okay, that sounds bad, because neither of them are just anything.  They are both superheroes that fight bad guys everyday for the good guys--one fights karaoke pirates and the other fights heart worms, fleas & ticks.  Really, that's just their day jobs though.  They're superheroes because they are always taking the time to make me feel better when I am down and are always telling me I'm awesome, even when they're exhausted and worn down themselves.  Now I just worked myself up into intimidated again.

Anyway, I will make an effort to post more frequently now that I have more than imaginary readers.  Maybe you two can analyze me and figure out why I'm so weird.  I'm sure a lawyer and a vet can figure out what to do with me.  And, yes, I realize that a flea dip and legal institutionalization might be the best answer.